Man-Pregnant

We are expecting our baby soon, and as my wife finds herself in her third trimester, the stress and pain of pregnancy is beginning to take its toll.  And in moments like these I try to remind her that I’ve been carrying around an ice cream baby for years, and that she needs to just suck it up.  Everyone complains about the struggle of pregnancy, but nobody ever pays any attention to what we men go through every day with our “man-pregnant” bodies.  Yes, that’s right, the belly that I have because of my “megnancy” causes more painful and longer lasting effects than anything the little miracle wrapped in a blessing that my wife is carrying could ever do.  While she deals with all the so-called problems of pregnancy, there are lots of effects that spill over into my life.  Let me list for you a few megnancy struggles that you may not have thought about.

 

1)      My wife is in full blown pregnancy belly at this point, but she really only began to show a few months ago.  I’ve been “showing” since the seventh grade.  And her belly will go away with a few crunches after the baby is born, not mine.  It will be here forever.  She’s got it easy; in a few months she will lose like eight and a half pounds with just a few pushes.  For me to lose that kind of weight I’d have to hire a personal trainer names “Stefon” who ridiculed the fat out of me.

2)      Ok, let’s talk hormones, people.  You think her mood swings are bad, what about the fact that she’s not drinking coffee while pregnant.  You think that makes anything better?  Let me tell you it does not.  And on top of that, this fall-into-winter is the perfect time for Starbucks fans, and since she’s not drinking the stuff I’ve got to drink one for her (I mean, it wouldn’t be right not to).  That means twice the pumpkin lattés, twice the peppermint mochas.  If you thought her mood swings were bad, wait to you see me on a double vente espresso binder at 2 in the morning.

3)      During pregnancy, the swelling of my wife’s body makes it difficult for her to move in the morning.  I keep telling her all she needs to do is put one cancle in front of the other and get a move on.  What about me?  She keeps the house so cold at night that I can hardly step out of the bed.  It’s like I’m sleeping with Frosty the Snowman and we have to take extreme measures to prevent melting.  Some mornings I just take our comforter into the shower with me so that I don’t have to walk through the tundra to get from our bed to the bathroom.

4)      My wife is eating for two.  And so when we sit down for dinner, I don’t want her to feel fat.  As a good husband, a make sure that my portion is as large, if not larger, than what she has on her plate.  This is true love; that a man would lay down his waistline for his wife.

There are more, but I’ll stop there because the swelling in my fingers is making it difficult to type.  These are not sympathy pains, these are the symptoms of megnancy, and it’s time that men around the world with pregnant wives got the recognition and attention that they deserve.  So next time you think about a woman who is pregnant, think about her poor, unfortunate husband instead.  He’s the one who really needs the sympathy.