Listening Rules

This time around, I’ve done something a little different with my Blog.  I am coordinating this entry with a message given on 5/14 entitled “Countering the Conflict.”  In that message there is (or was if you read this after the message was delivered) a section about how to listen in such a way that we can keep our conflicts from escalating.  This technique is great for families, coworkers, and other relationships where we run into conflict on a more regular basis.  I will look at each “Listening Rule” in the message, but wanted more access to them, so I have placed them on the Blog this week for you to review.  If you subscribe to our weekly FUSEletter, you will see the rules there as well. 

These are adapted from Why Don’t We Listen Better: Communicating and Connecting in Relationships by James C. Petersen.

1) Take Turns

On person is the Speaker, another is the Listener.  You can even make labels if you want.   The person who is the most upset gets to speak first, the other person can only listen.

2) Talk without Accusing, Attacking, Labeling, or Judging

Your pride will want to escalate the conflict by doing these things.  Leaving these four things out will help you to keep things from getting worse.

3) Listen without Agreeing, Disagreeing, Advising, or Defending

It is really easy to let your pride cause you do these things, too.  You are not there to defend yourself or give advice, you are there to listen to and understand the thoughts and feelings shared by the Speaker.

4) Ask “Is this what you mean?”

The Listener repeats what he or she feels the Speaker has shared.  If the Speaker says “yes” they move on.  If the Speaker says “no” then he or she tries again to communicate thoughts and feelings more accurately

5) Switch

The Listener now becomes the Speaker, the same rules apply

6) Repeat as many times as necessary